Checklist.

So,

I've was thinking about it, and realised I have had quite a few incredible experiences in my life. So I'm going to make a list of things that come to mind, a list I hope I can keep adding on to as time goes by. (Also part of
carpediemday requirements)

1. Watched The Black Keys live.
2. Lived in France. Travelled to the south of France, and Paris on multiple occasions.
3. Lived together with boybackhome for a month.
4. Watched Emancipator live.
5. Watched Porcupine Tree live.
6. Travelled to Amsterdam and brought back goodies with me on a flight.
7. Travelled to Sikkim and been at the Indo-Chinese border.
8. Watched Wicked.
9. Watched Dame Judi Dench on stage, performing live.
10. Have had the most incredible December months, each year since 2006.
11. Watched Porter Robinson live at MOS.
12. Made out on an incredibly beautiful pier on the Thames overlooking Tower Bridge while being on my "tippytoes" in the biting London chill.
13. Walked barefoot across the equivalent of five metro stations in Paris.
14. Been to Musee de Orly and the Orangerie.
15. Been parasailing and sea walking in Thailand.
16. Lived in London at 23.
17. Been a part of the Cologne Carnival dressed up as a rastafari.
18. Been in a city where a hanging tram is the main mode of transport(Wuppertal).
19. Made out atop a lighthouse, in the middle of rain overlooking a really pretty beach.
20. Travelled extensively across India.
21. Watched Cirque de Soleil.
22. Watched Raghu Dixit, The Supersonics, Lounge Piranha, Touchwood live.
23. Seen Kunal Kapoor.
24. Seen Ravi Shankar live. With Anoushka Shankar.
25. Seen Ali Akbar Khan live.
26. Seen a meteor shower, a lunar and solar eclipse.
27. Been in an open relationship with someone I love.
28. Travelled to Edinburgh, Bath and Stonehenge.
29. Hosted a set of legendary flat parties while in London.
30. Made out in a sari while my sister was getting married.

Okay. enough for the moment. updates regularly, promise.

Because sometimes big cities are the loneliest places.

So May has just started but I want this year to piss off as soon as possible. The number of faux-pas, general days of being mopey and depressed, losing people...friends, boybackhome, grades everything seems like a proverbial house of cards, hanging on by the slightest thread of sanity that I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose soon. Don't get me wrong, London is an incredible place and if you're 23 and in London, you're beyond lucky. But it is also cruel, unforgiving and sometimes very very lonely.
Especially now that there are fewer classes to attend, more free time etc. it also means having to do infinitely more things to occupy oneself. Since this is a fairly discreet blog, and I solemnly swore I'd write about whatever I feel like, I am going to do just that. I know it sounds so ridiculously juvenile and I cannot believe that I'm writing about it, but hey this is supposed to be therapeutic or something right?
Things, circumstances have all changed in the last two months and I haven't felt as alone in ages as I do on most days here. I spent most of my time around people and I ask myself why exactly I feel this way. I've never clamoured for attention or been needy and hence this is quite puzzling for me. Its probably because it is taking me a bit of time to accept the fact that I've been replaced, and not as indispensable as I once thought I was. Being a constant third wheel is difficult, and I'm getting a bit tired of it, I suppose. Getting tired of being in a room and being a spectator most of the time and asking myself constantly, why am I here again? Being the person I am, it is eventually going to reach the point where I back away and close myself off.  Which may pose the question: How and why did this come about?  Did said change in circumstances lead to this or was it just me? Or like certain close friendships has this one just dissipated with time? If it is the first, I'd rather not have that. If it is the third, it is going to be my second one to go awry in one year, except I actually give a shit about it this time. Some close friendships stem from a common shared interest--whether it is music or moving to a new city. For friendshipgoneawry Part I, it was the latter. Once we settled down, this was possibly bound to happen I suppose.
For the one in question though, like other things I didn't see coming, if this happens, and I can already see the tiny cracks, it will in fact, devastate me. And the worst part unfortunately is, he's usually my go-to person for everything but I can't ever bring this up because I know exactly how it will be interpreted. As it has been once before. As being "relationshippy" and to do with the development of feelings. It is not that though. It will be insisted upon that nothing has changed and everything is the same. But slowly and subtly, if it is noticed, it will be noticed that things aren't how they used to be. Perhaps, I am overreacting. Perhaps, I am quite dependent on this person and this friendship, but that is something that is always been a part of my personality... getting attached. It takes me time to let someone in but when I do, I really do. And they become a part of me. Saying that, I really do miss my best friend in this bigbadlonelytown.
As Carla says to me sometimes, "We both need to find a solution to getting so attached to close friends. " firstworldproblems be thy name.

Okay ending with girlyawesomenesssong.

Gotta love Sara Bareilles. :)

I wish I knew why you were doing this.

A week and half later.

You know how they talk about how things in life happen when you don't see them coming at all? It has happened to me before and its happened to me again. Now. Except its completely different. A week and half and my life seems like another person's life. Like I'm watching it unfold on a screen somewhere. I try to picture myself in the scene as these so called events of MY life unfold, and it is what has been referred to in the past week as surreal. Boybackhome wants out, there's some "chilling" developing under a circumstance I couldn't and wouldn't have imagined before. The truth is it doesn't feel strange, it feels much more normal than I would have assumed. For the time being,  I don't want to figure anything out so I'm going to let this play out. And see how it goes.

Best friend lifelessons from facebook message today: 

That's all you should do with em(sic:men). Kaam karo, padhayi karo, uss jaat ko use karo aur heavy chill karo.

Couldnt put it better.  

Possible 2 year day

Today is a probable 2 year day. And in honour of day, music that qualifies as OUR song(s). 

Boybackhome, you are missed. More than you know. 

Thought.

“The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.” 
― Milan Kundera, Ignorance

Spent the last couple of hours going through old Facebook messages with boybackhome to figure out if we have a date. There isn't one as in turns, but we'll invent something as we do every year. They are incredibly funny the exchanges..some, where we are still unsure how to address each other even though we are with each other. The Bengali terms for someone who is your age and who is younger are different--tumi and tui, respectively. We've settled into a tui now, even though he is younger. But a look through the old 2011 messages and  tumi makes its awkward appearance. This was followed by a conversation with Sameen, who  teaches 16/17 year old Chinese boys in Hong Kong, is always proper and well dressed and introduced us uninitiated to the wonderful game that is Dixit.  We were talking about something else entirely and somehow the conversation veered back to nostalgia. I get attached too soon to people I like, and hence when the time to pack up  and move on happens, someone always has to manage the sudden outburst of snot because I almost never see the end coming. I spoke about the time Prachi and Meghana did the crown with place name for me, Sudz and Kallu and said snotburst also happened and the girls just got scared because I wouldn't stop. Fact about my tear glands: Mutant. If tears fall by chance, even after sadness and feeling of teary-eyed ness is gone, glands continue to manufacture tears endlessly. This has been a major source of wonder/grief/amazement for boybackhome as there have been times where I'm visibly and happily laughing but tear glands due to malfunctioning continue to manufacture tears that should have stopped half an hour ago. 
The day I leave London, I am going to try not to meet anyone and spare the ones I've come to know and love(you know who you are) the snotburst. Because it will happen. And the tear glands will be on overdrive. 

Music, as always, 

Catch-up.

Okay. So reasons I haven't posted in a week and a bit more.

1. Life tragedy, bad inexplicable grade: no idea howwhy. Tohtal trauma calmed down by a terribly unlike me phone outburst followed by margaritas and a salsa club at Waterloo called Cubana. Even though I have possess four left feet, much thanks to C for not completely giving up on me and my terrible dancing skills--a fact that I hope, was brought on by just niceness and no sympathy.
2. Saturday and Sunday: Spent very productively on this:

That is Spartacus, for the uninitiated. Kind of a no-holds barred, Zack Snyder fanboy inspired tv show with enough gore and sex to put Game of Thrones to shame. Interesting because of the political intrigue, fleeting loyalty, photoshopped chiselled bodies, and who am I kidding, the fluid sexuality.

3. Monday onwards: Project work finally underway. :) Have super sweet submissive awesome Bengali supervisor who is incredibly chill . Maybe this is all part of some elaborate conspiracy(?). Who knows these things. Anyway, so project is on this. Fronto striatal connectivity on THC administration in non-users. So, I'm basically doing the neuroimaging analysis which requires me to pick up Unix besides other things. Unix is nostalgia overload: so reminiscent of DOS and glorious days of learning MS-DOS Prompt and Logo in Class 3 in this dingy little room with two functional computers and Windows 95. Work overload is crazy. Why you ask? Because I booked tickets to go to Edinburgh next weekend, and completely forgot about impending essay deadline so  have been trying to work on that too simultaneously: Animal models of schizophrenia--a topic so comprehensive I could totally do my Masters dissertation on it, and yet I have a limit of only 3000 words.

4. Massive break-up but not break-up fight with the boybackhome. Doesn't help that he is also my best friend I suppose. But amends have been made, thankfully. Long distance, bitch be thy name.

5. Made an excellent attempt at getting self drunk on Saturday courtesy some potent wine stolen from the wine-and-meet-prospective-supervisors session on Monday. I already had mine, but John(programme leader, beltveryhigh up wearer, drunkard extraordinaire) asked me to show up for the wine and cheese, which he always always lets me generously carry back home. Anyway, so yes, Saturday night spent at a so-called Brazilian bar which employed no Brazilian people apparently. Carla, Brazilian flatmate and sweetheart felt betrayed that her Portuguese wasn't being put to use to get us freebies. Night was entertaining for me, I guess because I was drunk,  and towards the end they played some amazing electroswing and this.

 But the curse of getting to a place too early etc. I think I maybe growing old. Very scared.

4. Today: First productive Sunday in years possibly. So, Guy, flatmate, world traveller, connoisseur, general know-it-all, steeped in style, proper, loaded with money and an ego to match--not in a derogatory way, though--when you have it all, you kind of do, invited me for brunch because his brother is in town. Brother, Raphael, younger, keeps taking Guy's trip all the time. The camaraderie, and the brotherly banter is incredibly amusing to watch, so of course I couldn't refuse.  Managed to get out of bed in time, and headed to Green Park, which is basically in the heart of Mayfair, you know that place on the Monopoly board that is the most expensive etc. so yes, that, for brunch. Brunch place, charming American brasserie called Automat was very unlike the rest of Mayfair: polite staff who did not stare at how you were dressed and whether you were posh enough to enter the restaurant. Nice, happy friendly people. And the food. Got four giant waffles, with strawberries and cream and maple syrup. They got the waffles so right. So fresh and the texture was so perfect, that as soon as I poured the syrup, the waffles were soaked just the right amount. So eventually when I finally put the waffles in my mouth, with a little bit of strawberries and cream, the burst of flavour was incredible. Guy being Guy, ordered the truffles with mac and cheese, of course. I was supposed to return home after this but Guy was taking his brother to see Buckingham Palace followed by Harrod's and since I haven't been to either I went along. En route, we saw the St. Patty's Day Parade with a very stoned giant dragon float that kept flailing about in every possible direction and amused me to no end. Very little will be said about Buckingham Palace because there really isn't all that much to see, honestly. So finally arrived at Harrods where opulence comes to chill apparently and spend exorbitant amounts of money on iPod cases made of rare pink and white diamonds costing haha.. wait for it 895,000 pounds. Hahaha. The women. I'm lost at where I should start. Should I start talking about the fake tans or the faces that look like they've been made out of playdough and may fall right off if you touch them. The surgeries or the ridiculous wardrobes? Or the kids steeped in Ralph Lauren and snootiness and general air of wealth and judging normal people?  So, well, Guy's brother wanted to be at Louis Vuitton so me, Guy and Carla headed to his favourite part of Harrods: The Toy Kingdom and The Candy Store. The Candy Store, is simply ridiculous. There is no other word to describe it, truthfully. This was followed by a visit to the food halls. The smell of fresh baguette and cheese reminded me of the streets of Bordeaux near Rue St. Catherine on a Saturday morning. Sigh. Mustnotruntokitchentomakemyselfasnacknow. :| And then Laduree, maker of the most delightful macarons ever:soft, crumbly, the cream inside having just the right essence and not an overpowering taste of flavour in question and a favourite of mine from Paris, was discovered. I bought myself the rose, the orange blossom and the Brazilian chocolate one. Needless to say, a year and a half later, I still feel like I'm falling in love all over again. Harrods ended soon after and I came back home to a bed and an essay to write. I spent a few hours in the night playing a long overdue game of Dixit before everyone heads home for different reasons. Everyone but me.
 I miss home.
 I want to, need to go back soon.
 I really hope I do.

Musical delight of the week:

http://grooveshark.com/s/So+Eu+E+Voce/2BegYl?src=5

Satisfactory, Riddhi? :) 

Pre-exam obsessions.

If there has been one thing consistent about this week, it has been the extraordinary music I have been listening to.

I can't be arsed to write much today. So here's the music, instead.

1. Currently playing as I write. Among the guys I want to watch while I'm here. Such good progression my god.

2. A Saturday song for a Saturday. Skylar Grey, who back when this song released was called Holly Brooks creates a superchill lazy day song.

3. Obsession since last year, almost as soon as I saw the trailer. Sneha Khanwalkar presents a Codeine 101 song. So chill that you can close the lights off and sink into total and complete oblivion. Raspy crazy vocals, and the instrumentals.

4. Favourite new subcontinent voice. Tina Sani, who according to the Youtube comments, happens to be Nadia "aap jaisa koi" Hussain's aunt. What sorted vocals. Powerful, strong and divine. Click on the comments box and you'll see a translation of the lyrics as well. They are beautiful to say the least. Perhaps too profound sometimes. But you'll see.

5. Because the video makes me feel like a fanboy. and click-click-clickety click. Insanely catchy.

6. Yes, one day we'll grow old for sure. But why not make out with each other and go crazy meanwhile.

7. New voice discovery. Kat Von D being tohtal bawss. Dedicated to deadmau5.

8. Finally, this. Because if you don't headbop or move your body to this without realising you are, maybe you are one of those people who sadly, don't like music. There's a video of me doing just that on Facebook, by the way.

Ok, wish me all the best. Farewell.

Revision, Wills et. al (2013)

It is 5:00 am. In most parts of the world, people would be snoozing their alarm clocks in a desperate attempt to prolong the last few minutes of sleep before well, they have to go for work, lead a normal life etc. What am I doing? The simplest answer to this would be revising for an optional module exam on Addiction in an old, rusty library of creaking walls and wooden furniture, and a bearded individual who seems to be very very disturbed by our company. Our being, P, C and me. We've been doing this routine for about three days now. Setting into a familiarity of attempting to study but failing miserably for most of the part. We all know that we will be screwed come 4th of March, and yet this overwhelming need to meet in the library, fool around, be amused by P and work for around 45 minutes of the six hours that we are here, seems almost as necessary as acing the very exams we are dreading. There's a strange comfort in this madness, that "this is so a part of being in your 20s" thing that ThoughtCatalog tries to embed into your very soul. There's awkward laughter, self-discovery, nonchalance especially on the part of P, and sometimes there are even foot massages courtesy me. And for the moment it is more than enough. We'd like to believe we aren't alone in this city with so much to give and take, but right here, right now, in the few moments of silence interrupted only by the steady typing of our keyboards, we aren't.

As usual, I cannot but leave without a dose of self-proclaimed superior and awesome music. So here. 

Reverse colonization much?

Brits love Indians more than we love ourselves. To illustrate, look at audience and Simon Cowell going berserk :|

Youtube Top Comment: "simon cowell is ACTUALLY SMILING without being mean."

ofhumblebeginningsetc.

I'm 23 and this shouldn't be necessary. Who am I kidding though? Ofcourse it is. I also realised I have been writing ofcourse for so long that I've started assuming it is a single word.

This renewed attempt stems from a lot of things. A delayed 2013 resolution to write more often, winter nearly ending in London, a Master's thesis that looms over like one of the monster cards from Dixit, and (in the absence of a proper camera,) the need to post-it memories of things that may forever disappear in the big cesspool of my brain because it tends to do that often, and always at the most inappropriate times. 

Ok. Firstpost done. Sense of big achievement looms. 

Also here, the source of the blogname. 

The lyrics. yes. :)