So May has just started but I want this year to piss off as soon as possible. The number of faux-pas, general days of being mopey and depressed, losing people...friends, boybackhome, grades everything seems like a proverbial house of cards, hanging on by the slightest thread of sanity that I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose soon. Don't get me wrong, London is an incredible place and if you're 23 and in London, you're beyond lucky. But it is also cruel, unforgiving and sometimes very very lonely.
Especially now that there are fewer classes to attend, more free time etc. it also means having to do infinitely more things to occupy oneself. Since this is a fairly discreet blog, and I solemnly swore I'd write about whatever I feel like, I am going to do just that. I know it sounds so ridiculously juvenile and I cannot believe that I'm writing about it, but hey this is supposed to be therapeutic or something right?
Things, circumstances have all changed in the last two months and I haven't felt as alone in ages as I do on most days here. I spent most of my time around people and I ask myself why exactly I feel this way. I've never clamoured for attention or been needy and hence this is quite puzzling for me. Its probably because it is taking me a bit of time to accept the fact that I've been replaced, and not as indispensable as I once thought I was. Being a constant third wheel is difficult, and I'm getting a bit tired of it, I suppose. Getting tired of being in a room and being a spectator most of the time and asking myself constantly, why am I here again? Being the person I am, it is eventually going to reach the point where I back away and close myself off. Which may pose the question: How and why did this come about? Did said change in circumstances lead to this or was it just me? Or like certain close friendships has this one just dissipated with time? If it is the first, I'd rather not have that. If it is the third, it is going to be my second one to go awry in one year, except I actually give a shit about it this time. Some close friendships stem from a common shared interest--whether it is music or moving to a new city. For friendshipgoneawry Part I, it was the latter. Once we settled down, this was possibly bound to happen I suppose.
For the one in question though, like other things I didn't see coming, if this happens, and I can already see the tiny cracks, it will in fact, devastate me. And the worst part unfortunately is, he's usually my go-to person for everything but I can't ever bring this up because I know exactly how it will be interpreted. As it has been once before. As being "relationshippy" and to do with the development of feelings. It is not that though. It will be insisted upon that nothing has changed and everything is the same. But slowly and subtly, if it is noticed, it will be noticed that things aren't how they used to be. Perhaps, I am overreacting. Perhaps, I am quite dependent on this person and this friendship, but that is something that is always been a part of my personality... getting attached. It takes me time to let someone in but when I do, I really do. And they become a part of me. Saying that, I really do miss my best friend in this bigbadlonelytown.
As Carla says to me sometimes, "We both need to find a solution to getting so attached to close friends. " firstworldproblems be thy name.
Okay ending with girlyawesomenesssong.
Gotta love Sara Bareilles. :)
Especially now that there are fewer classes to attend, more free time etc. it also means having to do infinitely more things to occupy oneself. Since this is a fairly discreet blog, and I solemnly swore I'd write about whatever I feel like, I am going to do just that. I know it sounds so ridiculously juvenile and I cannot believe that I'm writing about it, but hey this is supposed to be therapeutic or something right?
Things, circumstances have all changed in the last two months and I haven't felt as alone in ages as I do on most days here. I spent most of my time around people and I ask myself why exactly I feel this way. I've never clamoured for attention or been needy and hence this is quite puzzling for me. Its probably because it is taking me a bit of time to accept the fact that I've been replaced, and not as indispensable as I once thought I was. Being a constant third wheel is difficult, and I'm getting a bit tired of it, I suppose. Getting tired of being in a room and being a spectator most of the time and asking myself constantly, why am I here again? Being the person I am, it is eventually going to reach the point where I back away and close myself off. Which may pose the question: How and why did this come about? Did said change in circumstances lead to this or was it just me? Or like certain close friendships has this one just dissipated with time? If it is the first, I'd rather not have that. If it is the third, it is going to be my second one to go awry in one year, except I actually give a shit about it this time. Some close friendships stem from a common shared interest--whether it is music or moving to a new city. For friendshipgoneawry Part I, it was the latter. Once we settled down, this was possibly bound to happen I suppose.
For the one in question though, like other things I didn't see coming, if this happens, and I can already see the tiny cracks, it will in fact, devastate me. And the worst part unfortunately is, he's usually my go-to person for everything but I can't ever bring this up because I know exactly how it will be interpreted. As it has been once before. As being "relationshippy" and to do with the development of feelings. It is not that though. It will be insisted upon that nothing has changed and everything is the same. But slowly and subtly, if it is noticed, it will be noticed that things aren't how they used to be. Perhaps, I am overreacting. Perhaps, I am quite dependent on this person and this friendship, but that is something that is always been a part of my personality... getting attached. It takes me time to let someone in but when I do, I really do. And they become a part of me. Saying that, I really do miss my best friend in this bigbadlonelytown.
As Carla says to me sometimes, "We both need to find a solution to getting so attached to close friends. " firstworldproblems be thy name.
Okay ending with girlyawesomenesssong.
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